Head Like a Hole
My head is full of crap right now. Dark, stewing, rotten crap. It's full of people's hate, of people's pain, of people just too often being less than I wish they were, of really, the world, or what the world seems like to me right now.
Maybe it's partly the weather. Maybe it's just reading too much depressing stuff in one day. Maybe it's the way Pumpkinpie is tossing out challenges and nitpicking and pushing the boundaries of listening a little too often and I'm annoyed a little too often and I'm feeling the edges of her childhood approaching and don't want to parent this way, annoyed so often, and want to have the time to sit with her, be with her, share treasures with her, talk with her about so many things. Maybe it's the way I don't find time for things like exercise the way I want to, the fact that I am tired of the monthly ebb and flow of my waistline and skin's health. (Really, is there any biological reason for the bloat and pimples? To scare men away from not wasting their sperm during the point of lowest fertility, or something like that? Because ARGH) Maybe it's too much togetherness with too many people and too many demands intruding on the weekend that I had been looking forward to as a long weekend to spend with my kids and no, that didn't happen, not at all. Maybe it's that my day off this weekend is quickly filling with obligations, crowding out the want-tos with the really-shoulds yet again.
I don't know. I just know that I am tired, and feeling beaten, like this is not the place I want to be, not the world or the household I want Pumpkinpie to remember growing up in. It's not the way I want to remember these years, either, or not remember them as they slip by entirely in a haze of checklists and calendars and feeling like shit for not living up to what I want, for not being able to change the world and make it all better, somehow. A better place, with better people, better protection for our children, better values to help guide them, better parents not letting their children ruin things for other people's children, better meals, better together time, better-organized bedtimes. I want better, and I want more. More time, more patience, more tolerance, more teaching, more time for stories, more love.
And failing that, I want to crawl into a hole and make it all go away. The problem is, I have to take my head with me. And I learned last night, up for hours unable to stop my brain, that that's the trick. I never have insomnia. I'm lucky, I know. But I just could not stop thinking about all of this, writing sad and angry posts in my head, worrying and gnawing and holding back tears of anger and pain for the suffering of people I know and people I will never know. This isn't me, and I hate it, and I don't know how to banish and get back to who I usually know as me. I'm usually the optimist, with a head full of good, a heart full of love for the good people, the truly wonderful people that I know.
It just seems right now that I've traded my usual rose-coloured glasses for blue ones.
posted by kittenpie @ 12:33 PM
6 Comments:
Isn't it hard, and scary and all kinds of things that they didn't mention in "What to Expect..." Don't you just want to sit your child down and say 'quit being an ass so I can enjoy you', but of course you can't. And don't you just want to drive down to Missisipi or to a hundred other place and yell, 'quit being idiots' but of couse you can't. Or don't you just want to strap yourself to your kids so that none of that ugliness ever touches them. But you can't do that either.
It might sound cliche but you're not alone and anyways there's comfort in cliches.
Might I suggest a little Shel Silverstein, read aloud of course, to keep the blues at bay.
Not a fun place to be and it's definitely one I have visited a few times. Sometimes blogging is a blessing and I find that others, it's a hindrance - I plan posts in my head and it just gives me an excuse to brood on the things that drive me most insane. I can really identify with a lot of what is bothering you though - M had to take Pk to daycare one morning this week because she refused to have me because I am "bad mummy" (that's what I get for trying to have her look slightly less of a street urchin) and after I read your post about Mississippi, I must have brooded on that for hours. It is such a horrible example of nastiness, pettiness and closed-mindedness at its absolute worst. Do those horrible people not realise that actions like that are the things that drive teens to suicide????
Try to find some comfort for yourself (says one who totally gets how hard that actually is to do). For what it's worth, you do a awful lot to make the world a better place - try and hang on to the good things until they start to make themselves more apparent without so much work.
I'm sorry. (Hugs) I hope that things are brighter for you soon.
We all go there from time to time, and like most things, this weight will lift, it will pass, the sun will shine and you will find a moment to breathe. I promise. And you know what? You caring so much about all of these things is why your heart is so beautiful, even if it doesn't feel that way at 3am.
(oh, and if you want a teeny tiny silver lining, I nominated you for a Just Post the second I read Mississippi Legacy.)
I want more too. There is good stuff out there. Take it from cynical me :)
I'm there, too. So I don't know what to say. I hope it passes soon for both of us.
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