Gently

The world looks gentler today, a little slower, despite my long list of to-dos.

Pumpkinpie stopped freaking out about her trampled "picnic" and handed The Bun a play cookie, which turned out to be enough to make him happy and included.

I walked hand in hand with my daughter for most of the long walk from Bun's daycare to hers, chatting happily with no lectures or rebukes needed.

We came upon the tree we had watched as it turned a golden yellow so brilliant and glowing that it looked as if lit from within - and found that it's branches were bare, its beauty now coming from the newly revealed tracery of its branches set against the pale grey sky. We have been able to watch it burst forth from plain greenness to wild, bright beauty, and settle into something more delicate, but still lovely. What a lucky thing.

I sat enjoying a perfect cup of coffee, muffin nicely browned, then browsed a bookstore, where I found a book that made me think immediately of my dearest friend. I was able to buy her that perfect book, and then mail a card to another friend. How lucky, to have people to think of, and be able to do small things for them.

As I stood in line to buy a stamp, a sweet-looking dog gazed up at me, and shuffled my way. I extended a hand for him to sniff, and he licked it, then moved closer to rest his head against my leg as I gave him a small scratch and felt his velvety-soft ears. He pushed even a little closer, his owner marveling at his apparent sudden liking for me. I am not normally a dog person, but he seemed a little like a kindred soul today.

Somehow, things seem gentler. Perhaps it's the haze of my congested head, but even that seems less intense and onerous. Perhaps it's a slight change in the weather. Perhaps it's having a day where I have no pressing errands, and can pass my time crossing off lists in my own house, at a more leisurely pace.

Or perhaps, and this is likely to be the thing - perhaps it is that at about 10:30 last night, I found myself with a bit of time to catch up on a few of the lives and blogs that I have been missing out on lately, only to find wonderful news. That dear friend has had one of her wishes come true, one of the sources of stress in her life relieved, and is now expecting her second baby. What joyous news! I quite seriously nearly leapt out of my seat to call her and squeal loudly in her ear, but I knew she would be in bed, and be greatly in need of her rest. Won't you go by and congratulate her?

This, this is a good day.

Questions for Today

How on earth do you start blogging again when you have had so much to do, so much to say, and have gotten out of the habit, because you never have time to say it?

Where do you start, when you feel like there has been so much going on, and you have been so busy, and you feel like you must owe a catchup, yet you find your last couple of posts pretty much sum it up - you've just been busy trying to balance/ juggle/ race wildly like a decapitated chicken?

And the friend who has not heard from you in so long, she basically emailed you to see if you were still alive, and you kept pushing the email along, clicking "read later" so you wouldn't forget and would send her a note when you had a moment, only to find you never had that moment, at least not until today, and you planned to call her and catch up, but then you lost your voice? How do you now send that notes a couple of weeks late without looking like a jerk? (Hi, Alberta. I'm okay, just frazzled, and missing having my head to myself.)

I keep feeling like calmer times must be coming, yet everywhere I turn, there is more that should be done, more left half done, more that needs doing soon, so soon. So yes, I am beginning to wonder also - can I call myself a blogger if I never find time to blog? This week was so chock-a-block with training, programmes, outreach, meetings, and so on, that I fell asleep at every opportunity, and a few days, never even touched a computer, if you can imagine that. Even the sparse 140 characters of twitter were too much to handle this week!

But still, I have pretty much done the seasonal clothing shuffle for the kids, buying clothes on sale for next year's seasons, packing them away in bins and taking count of what I have and what I will still need, pulling out unseasonably summery clothing to be packed away or passed on. I have started to sort out and photograph some clothing to list on craigslist when I have a minute, but the minute for finishing that hasn't come yet. They will be dressed for the winter, at least, though I may still need boots in size 6 for The Bun.

My house, though, is beyond messy and needs cleaning badly. A few of us are sick now, so there is little energy to be had, and it must be rationed out for laundry and meals. My closet is still unfinished, though some progress has been made. And so it goes. I know you other mothers know exactly what I'm talking about.

And finally, one more question that has been nagging away at me. Because I was never committed to two, was really firmly on the fence for a long time... Well, I am struggling to express the idea that if I had really, really known how 1+1 does not =2 when it comes to kids, but more like 4, I am not sure I would have chosen to go ahead with another. I am trying to figure out how to make that clear - it's not that I would turn back and give back The Bun. No, despite all my worries about having a boy, and despite how different he is from Pumpkinpie at his age, I couldn't dream of wishing him away. He's a rascal, but a darling. (How I keep wanting to write about the two of them and their differences!) It's just that I had no idea how hard this would be, how out of my depth I would feel, and if there was any way to know that, I might not have plunged in. Does that make sense? Is there any way to say this without having my meaning mistaken, without having someone be shocked and think I mean I wish I hadn't chosen this path? I don't know, but I do know that's not quite what I do mean.

I am hoping, though, that the rhythm of all of this will come soon. that I will find snippets of time and know how to make the most of them. That I will figure out how to tuck in little bits of work here and there so that when I do have time, I can do things I'd like to do. That I might, some day, be less tired. See you then?