my head + kapow

= sleep setback + too much to do + no time alone + letting people down + losing things

I am frustrated. I am tired. I lost my feeble grasp on order. I am being a bad friend. A bad bridesmaid. A bad blogger. I am hoping for rain to cancel tonight's soccer game, which seems mean to my kid, since it's the last one. I just.... GAH!

I don't have time. I just don't have time.

One of my good friends is getting married. I'm being a crappy bridesmaid. I don't have time to contact the other bridesmaid, who apparently doesn't email and is only reachable between 6-9 pm because that's dinner-bath-bedtime. I don't have time to plan the shower, because I have another shower and a barbecue and father's day and birthday parties and and and between now and then. How I am also supposed to get together some sort of bachelor party, I don't know. These things take time and planning and money, and I have none of those available. I don't know what to do for a shower or a bachelor party anyhow, and no real interest in them, so if you have ideas, I'd be delighted to hear them. Perhaps I could pull off only being a semi-half-decent bridesmaid instead of a crap one.

I'm being a crap blogger. My bloglines is over 400 now and I just keep looking at it while I'm doing something else and thinking, "But I can't read right now, I have no hands to comment with!" And so it doesn't get cleared and some of the bloggers I adore don't know that I still care because they haven't seen me around in a month or more. I'm barely managing to post here, a space I love, because it seems low on the priority list with no deadlines looming or sleep calling instead.

I am a crap relative. My sister wants to do Father's Day and I am wedging it in, but will be dashing off in a hurry to the in-laws for dinner, since it is not only that day, but also both of their birthdays which have passed uncelebrated. Top that with the fact that my sister-in-law is getting married and i cna make neither the shower her aunt is thrwoing nor the party her mom is throwing because I am hosting showers for other people both of those days and there are apparently only so many weekends in the summer.

I have been looking forward all year to the summer, thinking of how we will all have time off together, and it will be so nice, but it is rapidly filling up with so many obligations that I can now see it flying by without enjoying much of it at all, and then I go back to work. I could just cry thinking about how hard it's going to be to wring any of what I want out of it, it's so frustrating.

My house is making me crazy, too, because I have never been much of a housekeeper, but it's slipping out of my control. the laundry from last week is not folded yet, so while there are clean undies, they aren't in drawers where my daughter can find them. I just need 45 minutes to get on top of that. The dishes are a constant battle to fight them back to just a small pile. I need the baby gate at the back of the kitchen attached to the wall, and one placed at the top of the stairs on the third floor so I don't have to be barricading those spots with furniture and watching so hard. I need time to clean, the basics, but also a bit more. I can' t think when I last washed windows, and it shows. I need a fucking closet so I cna get the heaps of clothing scattered around the house put in one place. and before that, I need to find out how to get rid of moths, because I'm not loading them in the new closet with my clothes so they can keep eating everything. All my nice cashmere sweaters are toast, god alone knows what i'm going to wear to work when I go back. It's not like I can or am willing to just go out and buy new ones, especially if the moths are not necessarily 100% gone. Which may also involved checials on the wool carpet upstairs, but my baby plays there, so I guess I would have to tkae it out and send it for cleaning instead, maybe? When do I have time to deal with all this? When?

And of course, my one tenuous hold on order is my calendar. The one covered in scribbles and important notes about appointments and events and things Pumpkinpie needs for school. The one liberally sprinkled in blaze orange post-its. the calendar with things like Gymbucks clipped to the right month, and a pen clipped to the whole thing for easy scribbling. The calendar which has, this past weekend, disappeared. The pen that was slipped to it was left on the table, the calendar, gone. I hav elooked everywhere. It's making me crazy. I'm trying to piece together the appointment and such, but I'm sure I'll forget something, offend someone. (Hey, if I'm supposed to see you in the next few months, could you tell me where nad when, please?) I had ideas attached to it for future book columns, to do lists, phone numbers, everything. I can't even remember what all was on there to try and find it. And the gymbucks, gone, about $50 or $75 of them, which really would have come in handy, as any mom knows. The only thing I can think is that someone scooped it into the recycling and now it's gone, but who would not notice all the post-its? And the pen, carefully removed? the hell?

Add to this that The Bun was looking promising on the sleep front, giving me 3 nights of good sleep for 10 hour nights and long daytime naps. Coupled with a sunnier mood and beautiful weather for going out together, it was a glorious thing. I was so much happier! So last night, I tempted fate by going to bed a bit late and yes, he woke wide awake in the middle of the night, then woke an hour early, then threw two short naps (18 minutes, the 2nd one), and of course it's a grey, rain-threatening day, so we are a bit stuck inside. Top that with Misterpie's school dinner tonight the same night as Pumpkinpie's last soccer game, which falls at the same time as The Bun's supper, and it should all be a fucking blast. So yes, I'm rooting for it to rain hard. Not sure how I'll get her from daycare, but maybe I can prevail upon a neighbour for help there.

On the whole? I'm fed to the teeth with everything. I need time. there are only 7 more days of school after today, so it's coming, I hope, but meanwhile, my bride friend is calling me, thoe other bridesmaid is calling me, my sister is calling me, my in-laws are calling me, and I don't even have my calendar to balance it all out on. Oh yeah, and I have a shower with kgirl for metro mama next week, and we haven't even talked to plan it, so there's one more end I'm letting down.

How the hell did it come to this? Aren't I supposed to be all la la with my days off? I'll tell you what, I find it way easier to be organized when I go out to work in the days, so maybe I should be looking forward to that instead.