Parental Guidance Advised

In Ontario, the Film Review Board has a choice of five ratings which they can apply to a movie. The first, General, is for material suitable for all ages and considered inoffensive in the seven categories on which it judges: sutiable age, language, nudity, sexual activity, violence, horror, and psychological impact. The second rating, Parental Guidance Advised, is applied to movies with some content in these categories that might concern a parent, but not necessarily. The third rating requires that children under 14 be accompanied by an adult to view the film, the fourth that any child under 18 be accompanied by an adult, and the fifth rating, Restricted, does not allow for viewing by persons under the age of 18. The rating system is designed to be flexible for practical application, yet reflect community standards.

Community standards. The real world stuff. The messy, complicated business of deciding what is appropriate and who gets to do the deciding. Because let's face it, not everyone in a community, even a relatively homogeneous community, is going to have the same standards. I've been reading bits and pieces about this around our community of mama bloggers for a while. Izzy taking stands on Bratz, training bras for the very young, and toddler-level placement of questionable magazines. Jenny being grossed out by Baby Bratz and their Big Banana (no, I'm not joking). Mary P calling out MyScene Barbie as a Skank. GGC talking about how this stuff may offend us, anger us, and disgust us, but that we can't and shouldn't hide it from our kids. HBM shaking down Gloria Steinem for an answer on how to reconcile two different desires for our kids: we want them to have a healthy approach to sexuality, yet to keep them from being overly influenced by all the over-sexualized images in the media.

For me, it comes down to the words of the film board: Parental Guidance Advised. Let's face it, pretty much the entire world has that sticker implicitly on it. Even a sweet family walk in the park comes with all those things you need to teach your kids: not to eat dog poop, not to run in the street, wait your turn on the slides and swings, don't throw the sand. We teach them to climb the ladders in the park safely, helping them work out where they need to put their hands and feet so they can scale great heights without suffering personal injury. We wouldn't think to do otherwise.

And they get older, their world wider, the dangers more nebulous. But our job doesn't change. Even as films become more risque, the film board ratings allow for children to attend if accompanied by an adult. Meaning that they recognize a parent's right to make up their own mind about whether the material is appropriate viewing for their young. Meaning the onus is on the adult to be just that. To be responsible, to be the adult, to parent. And to explain or discuss anything that they might find problematic. For that is our job. To provide guidance. Parental Guidance.

The ratings even provide age suggestions, in recognition that maybe at 13, a kid might still need some reassurance or have some questions, while at 16, they are more likely to be able to handle it all on their own. There is another step for age 18, as well. Because yes, they are also recognizing - as I think we do as well - that a child's ability to understand and process and parse their viewing with their ingrained values grows with their age in most cases. This too is a case of parental judgment - in viewing material, but also in toys, in books, in experiences. In the library we have a teen section nestled between adult reading and children's. The children in grade 4 to 6, say, might well be able to read the books in the teen section and even comprehend, but they often deal with much heavier issues or have much scarier content. We don't prevent them from taking those, but we recommend stuff from the upper end of children's, stuff designed for them, books that can have heavy issues too, that have good, complex plots and language, but that are written to respect a child's emotional abilities. Toys, too, may be perfectly great at one age, but may be questionable at a younger age. What that age is, what your child should play with when? Comes back to Parental Guidance. What you allow is another way you teach your child what you think is acceptable. And hopefully, you take the oppportunity and the moment of time to tell them why rather than merely making it The Forbidden.

So will I buy my daughter Bratz dolls? No. Will I refuse to let her play at the house of anyone who owns one or go down the aisle in the toystore where they are shelved? No. I will use the opportunity for Parental Guidance. I will explain why I won't buy her one, what I dislike about them. What a perfect opportunity to tell her about some of my values, about things I think are important and things I think are distasteful or inappropriate or even scary and dangerous.

I have enormous dislike for the whole Disney princess oeuvre. She hasn't seen any of it yet. If she comes to notice the whole thing? It will be a great opportunity for me to explain why I don't like it. I will tell her that yes, it's okay for her to watch it and like it, but that I think it's important for her to understand that that is only one facet of what it is to be a girl and to have dreams. Dreams should also include things you want to do for yourself, accomplishments that will make you proud, places you'd like to go, the person you'd like to be. And also? Dreams are not plans. Dreams are not solid, not things on which to base real life. They are perfectly fine for stories and fun, though. Indeed, I will read her fairy tales, too. I'd hate for her to miss out on dreaming, on the magic of a good tale, on all the deeply rooted cultural referencing therein, just because the Disney Corp. got hold of them. And then I can talk with her about what we read. (which - hey, dialogic reading! - both helps her reading and comprehension skills develop and provides for me the chance to pass on more of what I think.)

You notice something? I'm talking a lot about passing on your values. I'm not talking about Family Values with capitals. I'm talking about my values. That is part of Parental Guidance. To give them guidelines. Guidelines, in my opinion, work better than a million Rules. Rules are about the letter, guidelines about the spirit. Values and guidelines are, in my mind, firmly entwined when it comes to parenting, and are one of the major things that we need to pass on to our kids, instill in them early and consistently. They run deeper than Rules, allow for a bit of flex (let's face it, there isn't a Rule for every situation and sometimes flex is needed to allow for times when you need to bend one place to keep something more important intact), but still provide some boundaries, a compass for making good choices. Somewhat like the film board's guidelines: flexible for practical application, yet reflecting the community (in this case family) standards.

You'll notice also that I'm not talking about what those values should be. Because that's not what I'm on about here. I don't expect people to have the same values. Some parents are more permissive than others in some areas, some more conservative on other issues. I am not about telling people how to parent their children, but I hope that they do parent them. I myself would be the subject of shock and horror in some areas because I place no emphasis on religion. That doesn't make me a bad parent. Because I place great value on being a kind, thoughtful, and respectful person and I impress upon my daughter that I expect the same of her. And it's not just about talking, either.

As Gloria Steinem said in her response regarding sexuality and sexism, we model what we expect, we teach by example. So when Izzy writes to Target to complain about padded bras in size 6X, when she asks the store manager to make magazines with unleashed cleavage less prominent, she is teaching her children by example that she doesn't think these things are okay. When HBM finds a group of smart women she likes and rallies up a community and even entices a bunch of us away from our computers to form real-life frienships and community, she shows her daughter how highly she prizes the company of other intelligent, interesting women, how she values friendship. When Jenny disses Bratz and refuses to buy one for her daughter, she lets her know that she finds them inappropriate and distasteful as toys for her child's age. When Mary P starts a letter-writing campaign about nasty Barbies, she tells the company and her children (grown though they might be) that she thinks they are ging too far. And when GGC lets her son see these things, she also lets him see that she understands how unappealing, confusing, even disturbing the world can be, but that she trusts in him and the values she will give him as tools to help sort his way through it. She will be there to talk with him and help him do that, too, for even with all this modelling going on, communicating with words does remain crucial. So these women? They are all, each in their own way, demonstrating and teaching their own values to their children. And I applaud that heartily.

In short: Parental Guidance is more than Advised. It is necessary. In our times, in any times. It is our job. As parents.